Plan your trick-o-treatin’ RIGHT.

(From Collegehumor.com)

Trick-or-Treating Guide

Where to go, and what to expect when you get there:
A. Shady Ponds Senior Community
- Werther’s
- Raisins
- Pennies
- Grapes that hold the distant promise of one day being raisins
- Obsolete candy from the ’50s, i.e. Yessuh™ brand Darkies
- Husband’s ashes

B. Overenthusiastic A-Hole Lane
- Man who hides in bushes, waiting to pounce (rumored Vietnam vet)
- Self-proclaimed defender of the Halloween Spirit who refuses to give candy to kids without costumes, doesn’t count “Pillowcase Face”
- Man who dresses up as something inappropriately horrifying (past costumes include Late Stage Pancreatic Cancer Victim and Neo-Nazi)

C. Desperate To Be A Cool Dad Street
- Unguarded basket filled with King Size Snickers, marked “Take One Only Please”
- Guilt
- Two King Size Snickers bars crudely taped together and marked “Emperor Size” (this is the ultimate house, unless you really like steak)
- Steak. Succulent, freshly-grilled slabs of USDA Grade-A marinated London Broil
- Candy Cigarettes

D. Mom Told Us Not To Go Here Alley
- Real Cigarettes
- Cans of spray paint and keys to his ex-wife’s house
- Just about anything in exchange for a bottle of Jim Beam – living room chairs, light fixtures, credit cards. Note: Make sure you bring a bottle of Jim Beam
- Unguarded basket filled with unsheathed razorblades, marked “Take As Many As You Want”
- An actual axe murderer. Dangerous, but he gives out King Size Zagnuts (your call)

E. The Dentist
- Unprecedented amounts of candy
- His business card

F. The Guy Who Pretends Not To Be Home
- An unspoken agreement that his house will be toilet papered

G. The Inventor of Runts
- Apology

$2,400,000,000,000

That’s a big number right? Yeah, that’s how much U.S. taxpayers will spend fighting ”the war on terrorism” in Iraq by 2017. F that. Not only is that an INSANE amount of money to spend on a ridiculous war, it’s not even real money! It’s borrowed! Here’s what Reuters reports:

“Finance charges for the money already spent on the war will total $415 billion from 2001 to 2017, according to CBO. For the next decade, ‘interest outlays would increase by a total of $290 billion over that 10-year period,’ CBO told the House Budget Committee, which is reviewing long-term war costs.”

It’s really time for it to stop because I’m already having enough trouble getting ride of my own credit card debt…I don’t need unjustified debt brought on by a cheeseball president too.